


Two of a Kind

by cuppycake



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Alicest, Alistair Smut, Anal, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Awkardness, Blushing Alistair (Dragon Age), Clone Sex, Crack, Crack Fic, First Time, Full Moon, Humor, M/M, One Shot, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Ridiculous, Self-deprecating humor, Smut, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tree Sex, Walks In The Woods, Warden Alistair, clone, magic gone awry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 18:27:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17064866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuppycake/pseuds/cuppycake
Summary: What if Morrigan accidentally cloned Alistair and the only way to get rid of the clone was for Alistair to sleep with himself? Watch Alistair awkwardly bumble through his first sexual encounter with an equally awkward clone. Things get steamy and ridiculous.





	Two of a Kind

**Author's Note:**

> The tags are worth checking, ahem yeah.. Thanks for reading!! It means a lot <3
> 
> !!There's art now at the bottom!!

Alistair couldn’t even begin to explain how an exact clone of himself appeared to be standing naked in front of the campfire with all of his companions around. Suffice to say, one of Morrigan’s spells went outrageously awry. He immediately stole Sten’s cloak and placed it around… himself? “Hey, nobody look at me. Him. Whatever! Avert your eyes!” No one averted their eyes. Oghren burst out laughing and Morrigan looked horrified. “Oh blast, there’s two of them now.” The _real_ Alistair glared at her while clone Alistair shivered under the cloak. “What did you do, evil she-witch?” Morrigan threw her hands up in the air. “I don’t know, but I’ll fix it.” Clone Alistair looked up in anguish. “Fix it? You mean kill poor little me, poor clone Alistair.” Alistair leaned down to comfort himself. “No don’t you worry, friend. We’ll be just fine.”

It was at this exact moment that his best friend, Robert Cousland, came out of the forest with Zevran. Robert nearly dropped the rabbits they had hunted. “Am I drunk or are there two Alistairs in front of us?” Zevran snickered. “You’re sober, my friend. This opens a whole new world of possibilities…” Alistair had been around Zevran long enough to know what _that_ meant. “Ew.” Clone Alistair was just confused. “What’s the elf mean by that?”

Half an hour later, clone Alistair was sitting inside Alistair’s tent with a bowl of stew. He borrowed his namesake’s clothes, of course. Real Alistair was telling him a scary story about darkspawn. “You mean there’s monsters that spew poisonous black goo and we fight them?” Clone Alistair was wide-eyed with admiration for himself. “We’re big, strong heroes!” “That we are, friend, that we are.”  
Morrigan poked her head inside and immediately scoffed. “How the blazes am I supposed to tell you apart now? I see the same idiot replicated in front of me.” While Alistair rolled his eyes, used to her insults, clone Alistair was wounded. “Hey, witch lady, that’s just rude! If we joined the Wardens, we aren’t idiots.” Morrigan didn’t address the response, just nodded. “Ah. Yes.” She looked at Alistair and motioned outside. “Let us speak for a moment.”

Outside the tent, Alistair grew uncharacteristically serious. “How are you going to fix this..? I don’t relish the thought of killing myself, much to your disappointment I’m sure.” Morrigan smirked a little bit. “Oh, you won’t need to kill yourself. You need to sleep with yourself.” His eyes went wide. “Whaaaaat?” She continued. “If you both ejaculate at the same time, he will cease to exist.” Alistair would never admit it to her, but he hadn’t slept with anyone before. He snuck away to have private moments now and again but it’s not like the group was brimming with available, sane women. He had pleasured himself before, but could he _pleasure himself?_ And beyond that, would he ever live it down? Definitely not.

So this is how Alistair found his virginal self on a date with his very innocent clone. In the middle of the woods under a full moon. Alone.

“Why are we out here, Alistair? Are you going to teach me how to use a sword, to fight darkspawn?” Alistair shook his head slowly. “No. Well, sort of. Different sword. Nevermind.” The Maker must have a peculiar sense of humor to place the most awkward Grey Warden in history in this situation. Clone Alistair crouched down and picked a blue flower. He gingerly handed it to Alistair. “Here, it’s pretty right?” “Yes, very pretty.”

Alistair figured it was now or never. “You’re quite pretty yourself. Or handsome. This moonlight is quite flattering on those cheekbones!” Maker stop his rambling. Luckily, his clone was also lacking in poise. “Oh, you’re making me blush. I’m sure plenty of women-folk, ladies, toddies fawn all over you..us.” Alistair swallowed and drew closer. “Oh, yes. They send me to the farmer’s market on weekends and there’s a line ‘round the corner.” He grasped his clone’s jaw and leaned in. “I hear they like to do this first.” He placed his lips on his clone’s and it was everything he never dreamed. Soft, dewy, compliant. 

Alistair thought it would take a special kind of narcissism to be turned on by himself, but perhaps not. He drew his hands down from his clone’s face to his waist and leaned further into the kiss like he was holding on for dear life. Clone Alistair, new to the world and sex itself, held his arms out like he was waiting for a high five. The clone had no idea what to do with himself. Alistair was already hard as a missile. Breathing heavily, he pulled back and put his hands on his clone’s shoulders. “If, um, you liked that, you could put your hands on me. Somewhere. Anywhere.” The clone matched his motions and put his hands on Alistair’s shoulders, smiling. Now they just looked like young nobles lost in a ballroom. “Like this?”

He breathed heavily, trying to ignore his aching member and tendency to muck things up with words. “More like this.” He grasped his clone’s hands, softer than his, without the scars, and slowly moved them down to his waist. He stepped forward again slowly. One hand around his neck and another on the small of his back. The cool evening was suddenly raging hot. He could feel his counterpart’s cherry picker growing in size as well as he kissed him again, tongue running over his lips. The clone kissed back this time, hungry and eager. Matching tongues and lips ran hot and heavy for what felt like hours before Alistair backed him into a tree and leaned down to lick his neck. This wasn’t bad at all - if he could get past the talking with a real person and to this bit, he would be set!

Alistair made out with his twin like there was no tomorrow against that tree. And his clone was getting _very. into. it._ Cocks twitching against each other through clothes. His clone’s hands were groping Alistair’s butt, pulling him closer and closer. “I don’t know why we’re doing this, but wow, just… wow!” Alistair brought one of his hands down from his clone’s waist and to the front. Barely enough space between them but he could palm it. He began to slowly massage the hard as rock cock from base to tip through his pants. Clone Alistair moaned, loudly at first in surprise, then more quietly. 

Luckily, all of that private self-education was going to be helpful now. Alistair pulled himself away from the clone’s neck and made the most suave grin he could muster (it wasn’t that suave). “Do, do you like it when I do this?” Alistair speeds up a bit rubbing the clone’s cock and begins to undo his own laces with his other hand. “I mean, I know I would, if I was… oh, Maker this is confusing.” Alistair blushed and zeroed in on his laces. Words - he always mucked them up. Clone Alistair got the message however, because he raised Alistair’s chin for the fiercest kiss yet and loosened the rest of their laces. Both proud members sprang free from their leather prison.

Of course, Alistair had never put much thought into what all was involved with sleeping with another man. But he knew enough from being in Zevran’s general vicinity. He looked down and remembered that yes, their cocks looked the same except his twin’s veered slightly left. He would have to remember to ask Morrigan about that later, wait, nevermind. He’d rather live with the question than the answer. “Andraste’s tits, this is happening.” They looked each other in the eyes with hunger and a little uncertainty. Alistair grinned. “Turn around and lean on the tree with your arms out.” The clone complied although his hands were already sweaty, slipping a little bit on the tree. Alistair led his hands down his butt, pulling down the clone’s leathers and spreading his thighs. This was going to be interesting. 

“I’m going to moisten your hole and make sure you’re ready before I, uh, do anything alright?” Alistair rubbed himself three or four times, just enough to moisten his finger with precum and explored the clone’s butthole. Clone Alistair moaned and subconsciously took his own cock in hand. He shuddered, but in the best way. Alistair leaned forward and breathed in his ear “This is just the beginning, my friend.” His hole twitched slightly to accommodate the finger, but soon accepted it with ease. Alistair added another finger, to a resounding cry of pleasure. Thank the Maker they were half a mile from camp. Alistair was getting so hot that his already confused brain was becoming a puddle of goo. He withdrew to nearly rip off his tunic and reached for his clone’s. Clone Alistair raised his arms readily and welcomed the feeling of dewy skin on skin. Alistair looked down and he was still rock hard. It was time to fuck himself.

He guided his cock to clone Alistair’s hole. He began to enter and it was so Maker damned tight, he thought he would bust right there. But he continued. Clone Alistair was still stroking himself with one hand and the other on the tree, but Alistair reached around and took over. “Just brace yourself, friend. I’ll take care of the both of us.” After several seconds of slow movement, he was finally completely inside himself and it was glorious. He withdrew halfway before going back in, simultaneously rubbing his clone. The clone held on to the tree for dear life as Alistair began to move in time to his hand. Their groans echoed through the forest as though Alistair had yelled into a ravine. The clone could barely think at the clashing pleasures throughout his body. Alistair knew this wasn’t going to last long. Little did he know he was living nearly every man’s secret dream. He pounded again and again, the forest now hot and humid as a swamp and all noises besides their cries drowned out. 

It felt so fucking good, better than he had imagined in all of those secluded self-love sessions. His breathing was matched by his clones. Deep, starving breaths replaced by short, staccato gasps. They were both close. He increased the pace, slamming into the clone and gripping his cock with passion. Then, in a split second, the furious and wonderful burning in his member spurted out and spread throughout his entire body. His eyes slammed shut and the world ceased to exist. When he opened them again, he was alone in the forest, holding himself. The extra tunic and leathers were on the ground, covered in his clone’s sperm.

Somehow this was even more unbelievable than any of the other crazy shit they had done since the Blight began. Alistair didn’t know how to feel really. If nothing else, the next time Morrigan told him to go fuck himself, Alistair could say “ALREADY DID THAT!”

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to Tini for the inspiration. Thanks to CullenLovesMen, Ghost Lyn, TooManyMadcaps, and Adrianna for the encouragement to post! I never expected my very first ficlet to be so naughty? 
> 
> And so much love and thanks to dinah-myles for this art!! _Please_ support her on [Ko-fi.](https://ko-fi.com/A02348HU/)
> 
>  
> 
> Extra thanks to TooManyMadcaps for her beautiful art as well. 


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